I'm so scared of being hurt..
I don't live, I hide myself and my emotions.
I don't live, I hide myself and my emotions.
:
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
DEPRESSION
I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.
Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.
Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.
Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.
Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight.
PS:One way to describe the feeling.
Hello N Thank You^_^
Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.
Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.
Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.
Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight.
PS:One way to describe the feeling.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Know Me :)
I hate bullshitters. They are just glorified liars, and anyone who knows me even a little know I hate liars, and I will call you out on a lie. I’ll tell you plain and simple I don’t lie. I don’t feel the need or see the point in doing so.When people try to bullshit me, and I positively know for a fact that they are. I get annoyed, because I know the truth, and I don’t have the patience to placate these people anymore. How can you expect to improve a situation if you can’t face the truth of it?? Now I’ll be the first to admit I screwed up a lot. I don’t deny it, I don’t down play it, or up play it for that matter. I have nothing to hide, and nothing to be ashamed of, because I do things to make progress everyday. I have taken responsibility for every discussion I have made since day 1. This isn’t about that.This about people making a situation out to be one way when it’s an other, because they don’t want to deal with it. They want to pretend things are one way; when they aren't. In the mean time making that discussion is hurting someone who doesn’t yet have to power to speak up. those attention mongers who need their sympathy fix. People who mouths just spew dishonest embellishments. People who will say anything to impress someone. Some people who I find just weak who will say anything to agree with someone. The ones I find particularly maddening are the ones who will say anything to make them sound better than you. Maybe I don’t expect too much from people. Maybe there are people I can honestly relate to out there.
Hello N Thank You^_^
Sunday, October 24, 2010
GRADUATION DAY 2010
AUDITORIUM PARCEL D PUTRAJAYA
Here it goes, I finally graduated from TRIAL SPM secondary school yesterday :)
The day of graduation was wonderful and terrific!
Yeah, we didn't get our diploma nor a real finished SPM yet, just awards. ^_^
Oh, when I'm finally free from this school, I'll miss my favourite subject
my classmates,my buddies, and of course, my teachers.
I hope they'll take care of themselves.
God bless them all ;))
From this pic, Ma result is not good enough like others
but I don't know that I did a good job, but it's worth a shot.
Standing & smiling like I am One In A Million of A success people :D
Hope you'll have a great summer, everyone!
& keep up the good work for your skills or your goals.
Take care! ^^
The Graduation Of 2010 was finally HERE!
Friday, September 24, 2010
sometimes friends are all you need
only a few years ago I often had that weird feeling when I met up with friends, as if I didn't really want to go and rather stayed home alone. I didn't have many friends and I didn't mind. but I didn't have really good friends either. today I am looking back and I realize that that was the reason I had that feeling. I liked those people, but they didn't make me feel happy. that week I sometimes sat in my room and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to watch tv or be on the computer or do sports. I simply didn't know what to do. but I knew that if I would meet my friends, I would have a good time and be happy again. and that's exactly what happened when we saw each other. they made me happy and they showed me that there's a feeling I had missed even though I didn't know that it existed.
although some things have been really weird and complicated, that week was important because I needed to realize what I wrote above.
Hello N Thank You^_^
although some things have been really weird and complicated, that week was important because I needed to realize what I wrote above.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
LOVE
Someone asked me what is love
is it good, is it bad
is it awesome, is it terrible
I honestly didnt know how to answer them.
I finally desided love is the most complicated of all emotions
Love is kind
love is harsh
love is wonderful
love is terrible
love is a cure
love is a sickness
love is LOVE
love is hate
love is meaningful
love is pointless
love shows the best in people
love shows the worse in people
love makes us speak truth
love makes us lie
love understands everything
love confuses everyone
love builds your life
love tears your heart down
love makes you smile
love makes you cry
love makes us cuddle
love makes us hit
love makes the world go round
love makes the world go crashing down
love makes things simple
love makes things impossible
love is always worth it
love is never worth it
love makes us smarter
love makes us stupid
love is enlightening!
love is BLIND
make love not war
make war out of love
love encourages
love scares
love is peaceful
love creates fights
love is soothing
love is tough
and above all
Love is always worth it
because you become a better person
everytime you love someone
from the simplest careing for a friend
to the deepest desire to love someone til the world ends
from the unconditional love of a child
to the complicated love of the gods
there is...no meaning to love
love means...everything
No matter how much it hurts you, or makes you cry
tries your spirt, and splits your soul.
Love is always worth it...because what doenst kill you
makes you stronger
And however long it takes
you will be, a better person because you lived, though love.
Werent afraid to make mistakes, choices and try again.
And...above all, loved someone no matter what people thought.
You would die for that person...but you would also live for them.
That...is the true meaning of love...
Hello N Thank You^_^
is it good, is it bad
is it awesome, is it terrible
I honestly didnt know how to answer them.
I finally desided love is the most complicated of all emotions
Love is kind
love is harsh
love is wonderful
love is terrible
love is a cure
love is a sickness
love is LOVE
love is hate
love is meaningful
love is pointless
love shows the best in people
love shows the worse in people
love makes us speak truth
love makes us lie
love understands everything
love confuses everyone
love builds your life
love tears your heart down
love makes you smile
love makes you cry
love makes us cuddle
love makes us hit
love makes the world go round
love makes the world go crashing down
love makes things simple
love makes things impossible
love is always worth it
love is never worth it
love makes us smarter
love makes us stupid
love is enlightening!
love is BLIND
make love not war
make war out of love
love encourages
love scares
love is peaceful
love creates fights
love is soothing
love is tough
and above all
Love is always worth it
because you become a better person
everytime you love someone
from the simplest careing for a friend
to the deepest desire to love someone til the world ends
from the unconditional love of a child
to the complicated love of the gods
there is...no meaning to love
love means...everything
No matter how much it hurts you, or makes you cry
tries your spirt, and splits your soul.
Love is always worth it...because what doenst kill you
makes you stronger
And however long it takes
you will be, a better person because you lived, though love.
Werent afraid to make mistakes, choices and try again.
And...above all, loved someone no matter what people thought.
You would die for that person...but you would also live for them.
That...is the true meaning of love...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
RING RING A BELL
it's hurt sometimes
I'm standing here you just don't bye
I'm always there you just don't feel
or you just don't wanna feel
don't wanna be hurt that way
but its alright
i am still alive
still stand strong
it's enough for me..
for all this time..
i've been trying so hard
to make it better
not enough for you
always want to find something
so,be my guest
p/s;
dedicated to all my friend..
keep strong, stand still, still believe, waiting for miracle
Hello N Thank You^_^
I'm standing here you just don't bye
I'm always there you just don't feel
or you just don't wanna feel
don't wanna be hurt that way
but its alright
i am still alive
still stand strong
it's enough for me..
for all this time..
i've been trying so hard
to make it better
not enough for you
always want to find something
so,be my guest
p/s;
dedicated to all my friend..
keep strong, stand still, still believe, waiting for miracle
Monday, August 9, 2010
TIRED PSSSTT! :(
I'm tired.
Tired of feeling lost, afraid, misunderstood.
Tired of wondering if I'm letting someone down by the choices I've made.
I'm tired.
Tired of getting my feelings hurt, my ego bruised, my heart broken.
Tired of showing these varmin called emotions.
I'm tired.
Tired of being me, of being weak.
Tired of trying to be this person I cannot see.
I'm tired.
Tired of all the pain, all the struggle I've put upon myself.
Tired of not being the person I was.
I'm tired.
Tired of hiding, hoping, and healing.
Tired of listening, learning...letting.
I'm tired...I'm tired.
Hello N Thank You^_^
Tired of feeling lost, afraid, misunderstood.
Tired of wondering if I'm letting someone down by the choices I've made.
I'm tired.
Tired of getting my feelings hurt, my ego bruised, my heart broken.
Tired of showing these varmin called emotions.
I'm tired.
Tired of being me, of being weak.
Tired of trying to be this person I cannot see.
I'm tired.
Tired of all the pain, all the struggle I've put upon myself.
Tired of not being the person I was.
I'm tired.
Tired of hiding, hoping, and healing.
Tired of listening, learning...letting.
I'm tired...I'm tired.
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